There are simply those days, the one’s that tend to continue in verbal form for many years. Sometimes, while there are happening one feels that they hold no certain significance (which is probably true ), however, the events that came together to create this experience have long lasting comical value. This is one of those nights, last night in particular.
Names we changed to protect the guilty from certain public ridicule.
We drive, possibly as fast as we can walk. The snow is heavy and visibility is reminiscent of a star wars warp drive sequence. 7 hours turns into 10. I am unhappy, which means I am a complete prick to anyone who dares disturb my crazed focus on the road. John, well, John isn’t too concerned. He is drifting through an inebriated haze and seems to be making connections of little or no relevance. He see’s that the GPS reads 151 miles to SLC our final destination and is happy to point out that Bacardi is also 151 proof and he would have some if it was available. You could file that statement in the obvious foreshadowing file. Adam is in the back seat playing video games, because that’s what he does, play video games. I guess he climbs too, but far less seriously. Adam could be at home kneeling in front of the television eating gram crackers and watching cartoons for all he cares. He has no idea how close to death we are. That’s probably just fine with him.
This whole outing has one main purpose. We are heading to the outdoor industries trade show in Salt Lake city. We all in one way or another have business to attend to, all of us except John. We arrive at 10am and head right into the chaos that is the trade show. If you have never been to a trade show let me give you a visual.
1.They are all fit and healthy, they will only eat healthy yet will forget this fact when part taking in alcoholic consumption.
2. They are social awkward, people in the outdoor industry are here because they didn’t like team sports.
3. Once the façade of work is completed drinking is done with a youthful ignorance to the very real social effects of alcohol.
After hours of attempting to smooze my way into making a living we give up and go climbing. We climb at the Front climbing gym.
All three of us were at the opening of this gym in 2001 almost 9 years ago. This makes us feel old. We decide to quit this futile endeavor and go drink. Upon arriving back at the trade show we visit our good friends at Mad
Rock and discover they have a keg. We consume. I make at least 10 new best friends. I cannot remember one name for more than a second. That’s ok. What’s in a name? I discover that alcohol makes me very good at self promoting and shamelessly asking for things ( side note: this is a skill I should have applied to women years ago, turns out if you ask enough someone will in fact say yes). We run into Jake, he has a job at the trade show and is a contributing member to society but is always down for a little fun so we join him and his dad for dinner. All the events that occur from here on out happen a little fast with less and less sold “facts”. He is the summery…
7-9pm we forget the idea was to eat at dinner and decide to just drink. Adam in particular starts the nights of right going straight for the grey goose. It feels early to be this drunk but hey this is Mormonville and we need to show the righteous how the heathens do it.
9:00pm Our good friend KK joins us and we want to head out to the industry after party at club “ elevate” we arrive and find that a donation to the Haiti victims is required for entrance, I look left and run right, power fake, slide, dip and run. Success. A special place in Dantes inner rings of hell has been excavated out for people who bail on donations for disaster relief. We run into Don and Curtis from our friendly neighborhood wilderness exchange and buy each other drink. I should say now that im not much of a drinker and am approaching socially unacceptable drunkenness which feels right because so is John. KK remains the soft spoken voice of reason.
( this is club Elevate the next morning )
11:00 we continue drinking with reckless abandon, scotch and coke, vodka and tonic ( skip the grey goose and hand me the pov pov bottle ) I loose John and adam and make new best friends. They buy me a drink. Thanks.
12:00 In the corner of my eye I see John being carried by two large men in black, they are not happy. I wave and say that I know the guy being thrown out like he is a celebrity or something. I turn back to my friends and they order another drink. I am scolded by kk and Jake, they tell me to forget the drink and go after John. I say he’s fine but oblige.
12:05 I walk out to a total nightmare. Let me set the scene. There are hundreds of people outside and they all seem to be looking at John. The bouncers have thrown him on the curb. John is completely out of his mind, screaming and shouting while sitting prone on the floor. I deny know this person and watch from a distance.
12:10 The police are called. The crowd grows.
(This is from the next morning…)
12:11 Two security guards, after the pleading request of Jake and I drag John around the side of the club and let us try and take him away before the police arrive. Carrying a lifeless body is much harder than you would think. People stare, i still try to deny knowing the person i am carrying.
(KK try to talk sense into an immovable object. )
12:15-2:00 am we push, carry and drag John the 6 bocks back to the hotel. Stopping periodically to avoid police cars. We have a routine that when head lights approach we lean John against a wall and pretend to talk with him. John becomes defiant and decides that main street will be his bed . Adam says he is done and begins to walk home. I slap John. Hard. I use the “ fireman’s carry” and get John into the lobby of the hotel. I start to wonder what people think of me carrying a dead person over my shoulders and through the foyer but decide that the best thing to do is walk fast and pretend everything is ok. A girl in the elevator asks what’s wrong with my friend, I ask what’s wrong with her face. We exit the elevator.
2:00-3:00 we try and decide if the hospital is the best place for John… we decide that we should think about it over food at Denny’s.
3:00 we head to Denny’s, without John.
4:00 we see one of the best chick on chick fights I have ever seen while eating our delicious meal, I announce that drunk people are dumb and they should be ashamed of themselves acting like that. Adam passes out at the table.
4:30 we find John alive and crawl into bed, we try and sleep hoping to find no dead bodies in the morning.
10:00 am John is fine, actually he is more than fine he’s great, no puke, hang over, nothing. This makes Adam and I mad, we on the other hand feel like death, I am physically sore from dragging Johns lifeless corpse through the city and he wakes up looking like a spit shined silver dollar.
